South Korea, part 1.

Conversations between me and my travel bag.

Me: Travel Bag?
Bag: Yes?
Me: How many pairs of underwear should I bring for a week in Korea?
Bag: I don’t know.  9?
Me: Can you fit 9 pairs of underwear, plus other clothing and some contraband alcohol products?
Bag: Sure, why not?  See, Charles, I’m a travel bag and I’m made to be filled with a variety of materials.
Me: That’s what she said. Ha.

Me: Travel Bag, can you please give me two matching socks rather than one gray sock and one tan argyle sock?
Bag: Well, that’s an interesting question Charles, but I think asking it requires a further analysis of why you can’t find two matching pairs of socks to begin with.
Me: Right, I get it, I’m not an incredibly organized packer, but I had to make sure I had room in the middle for that extra pair of shoes.
Bag: Uh huh.
Me: And sometimes you have to sacrifice organization for utility.
Bag: Sure, but sometimes you have to stop complaining or else you’ll get your hand zipped up.
Me: Huh?
Me: Ow!

Me: Travel Bag, where is my beard trimmer?
Bag: Well, Charles, it seems in your haste to flee America to go visit your ex-girlfriend, you’ve overlooked certain items that might have proved valuable throughout your travels.
Me: If I wanted an editorial on my forgetfulness or ability to plan effectively I’d…
Bag: You’d call up the boss who just laid you off?
Me: Come on, man, that’s a low blow.
Bag: I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em.
Me: Hey man, just because you’re a bag and don’t have the mental capacity to forget things…
Bag: Oh I see, a dumb joke, you know my father slaved away as a hotel laundry receptacle so I wouldn’t have to endure racist remarks like that one.
Me: I heard your father worked in a whorehouse and specifically requested the sheets that had “extra vinegar,” if you know what I mean.
Bag: Don’t you dare bring my father into this!
Me: What? You brought him up!  Hey, where are you going with my left shoe?

Me: Listen man, we need to talk.
Me: I know you’re mad at me because of the South Korean cultural stigma that favors smaller bags.
Bag: Shut up, man!  Look at those bags!  That can’t be natural man, they have to have had some work done.
Me: Well, sure, all of you guys are fabricated…
Bag: Don’t get all religious on me, asshole.
Me: I’m just saying…
Bag: You’re just saying what the man has been saying for 80 years.  Fight the power!
Toaster: yeah!
Microwave: you tell ‘im!
Grocery bag: why don’t you try to carry your shit in your arms, dude?


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