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When I was in high school I was in love with a girl. Sort of. I wasn’t mature enough to really know a lot about emotion and love and desire but I knew I wanted her. I wanted her more than anything else in my life, to the point where I stayed up at night thinking about it and preoccupied every spare moment trying to understand how I could make it a possibility. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t affect this, but I just couldn’t, and it seemed so unfair. Once I had my mind set on this person I couldn’t change it. It took 5 years to get over her. I love how this experience formed a friendship between the two of us that I think is irrevocable. My devotion to her, even though it was unreturned, showed both of us that we could always count on one another. I think we will love each other for the rest of our lives as friends. At the same time, I hate myself for how miserable I was for 5 years of my life. It seems shallow to say that it ruined my social life, but in the time of my life when I was supposed to be learning how to make friends and develop relationships, I was sitting at home and feeling sorry for myself. It affected me in other ways too. I spent so much time obsessing over someone who had no interest in me that I think I crave it now. I don’t like being sad, but when that incredible insatiable desire for a person is gone from my life, I feel strange. It’s like my body got used to it. Now I think I have a weird set of social skills. I crave love and attention more than I can comprehend. I want people to adore me and say how much they adore me. I don’t want to have to do anything to provoke it. Maybe it’s because I felt like that’s what I was doing for so long, or maybe it’s because I spent so much of my time feeling like the world was indifferent to me. I just know I can’t stand it when people don’t notice me. The other day I was in a bar and a man walked by and tripped over my feet. I was sitting with my feet stretched out and I hadn’t seen him coming. He turned and glared at me and then walked on. “Is there a problem?” I said. He asked me outside. I politely declined and then told him he should watch where he was going. He asked me outside again. I drank more of my beer. Every time he acknowledged me felt like praise. I kept the conversation going long enough for a friend of mine and a friend of his to step between us. By doing nothing I had become his obsession. He watched me for the rest of the night. He acted like the aggressor, but I knew that he was the hurting one. Jen and I broke up over 2 years ago, but really we broke up two months ago. She is with somebody else. I blame her for everything. I blame myself for everything. I am angry at everyone involved. I want to move on. I want to date her again. I want to kill her boyfriend. I want to be indifferent to the whole situation. I want to be able to bend the world at my will and keep twisting it until it makes me happy, and then twist it again when I get bored. I can make people feel like the most important or least important people in the world. I can be the life of a party or I can destroy an entire gathering. I love people, I need people, I need how they make me feel about myself, but I hate their fickleness, their selfishness, and their arrogance. My brain works in strange ways. I want to be normal. I want to be capable of being this way, but not feel like I am this way. In reality, I feel like I am trapped. I am everything that I hate, only I can justify why I do it, so I don’t get as convicted about it as I do about other people. My mind works in the same one-track way that it did in high school. I hone in on someone’s faults, or their strengths, or one decision they made, or something they said about me, and that represents their entire world to me. I am incredibly obsessive. Now I feel like I’m back to where I was at the age of 15. I want somebody. She doesn’t want me. I don’t know what I want besides a cure for this obsession so I can live my life and not be miserable any more, but I’m afraid that if this goes away I’ll just seek out some other unattainable dream. But I can’t drop it, I can’t walk away, and I don’t want to spend another 5 years of my life in pain. I’m going to be 25 in a month and I will have felt useless and terrified for a great deal of that. I can’t really blame anyone for this except myself, but it seems like my life is irrevocable. I want to be someone new.


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