You can’t hide you can’t hide you can’t hide you can’t hide you can’t hide you can’t hide

Maybe it will be veiled sadness like the last one or maybe it will be real true honest sadness.  Lacking appropriate punctuation is obviously a sign of sadness.  As is repetition.

“This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.”   – T.S. Eliot

Here’s my question:  What is with all these pop up and banner ads for “finding your former classmates?”  Is there really a market of people out there who are so lonely and desperate that they would resort to paying a service to track down the contact information of people they used to know who may or may not want to speak to them?  Okay, maybe I get it.

Writing is hard.  I’ve always relied on bursts of inspiration.  I feel like everything good I’ve ever written has been in a flurry of genius that I’ve looked back on later and admired not out of arrogance but out of wonder, because I don’t know what or how I was thinking.  That isn’t meant to sound like I’m calling myself a genius.  It’s meant to sound like I’m calling myself a bemused transcriber of flashes of insight.  Or maybe a constantly-typing monkey who occasionally shits out Hamlet.

Other times I sit and stare and everything is just blank and I feel like I don’t have anything to contribute to the world.  Fortunately I’m not getting much out of it either so I guess it’s a fair trade.  Karmic evaluations of my life always leave me wondering why I didn’t make better choices.  Other evaluations, too.  I do like repetition, though.

Lies I’ve been told:

“I will always be there for you.”  “I will always love you.”  “If you cross your eyes they might stick that way and you’ll never be able to see straight again.”  “It’s okay it’s completely normal.”  “Everything’s going to be okay.”  “We’re just friends.”  “I just want to be friends.”  “It’s actually a raise.”  “We don’t have enough money for that.”  “You can trust me.”

There’s a theme here.

“Well, the past is gone, I know that.  The future isn’t here yet, whatever it’s going to be.  So, all there is, is this.  The present.  That’s it.” – Don Johnston, Broken Flowers.

The thing is, I don’t know if I agree with that.  Sometimes it seems like the only thing there is is the future and the past and that the present is the illusion that anything is happening right this second when in reality everything that has happened or will happen is entirely untouchable and any sense of “choice” that we consider part of ourselves is so much a snap in time that it’s more like the derivative of something.   Like “How fast were you going?” is only answered by taking two points in space and measuring how long it took you to go between them.  Or maybe that’s the point.  There’s nothing.  “This” is nothing. 

Or maybe all there is is the past since we can’t in any way know what will happen in the future.  Maybe we should always linger in the past because it’s the only thing we know for sure, and we can affect what happens by learning about what happened before, even though there’s no real way of changing things like personality and culture and society and relational stuff on a greater scale.  That’s probably what a history major would say.

What if you took Pascal’s gambit and applied it to something that wasn’t religious at all?  Like, say you really wanted a kitten but you had no means or acquiring one.  I guess you could choose to believe or not believe that you were going to get a kitten.  The result is actually the opposite of the famous theory.  If you believe and are right, you’re just satisfied.  If you believe and are wrong, you’re disappointed.  If you don’t believe and get the kitten, you’re surprised and excited.  If you don’t believe and don’t get a kitten, you’re no worse off, though you’re probably already pretty depressed.  Because, come on, who wouldn’t want a kitten?

The lesson, don’t apply religious philosophy to kittens. 

“I want to know this time

If you’re really finally mine I need to know that you’re not lying,

so I want to see you tried.

And I don’t want to hear you say it shouldn’t really be this way,

because I like this way just fine.”  –  Okkervil River

That’s my dream.

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