What I Want to Say

This is an angry post. Sorry:

Your love is not real love. Love is more than feeling intense affection for someone. Love is not self serving. It’s not about constantly putting down the person you love because you don’t think they’re reacting in an adequate way. People are frustrating. They probably aren’t deserving of love, and if they are, then that love has to look past their frustrating-ness.

I could say, “I love turkey sandwiches.” At some point, I might eat a bad turkey sandwich that makes me vomit. If I then eat another turkey sandwich, does that mean my love for turkey sandwiches is unconditional? If I don’t want to eat another turkey sandwich for a week after my vomiting experience, does that mean our love has gone through trials and tribulations?

Better example: I could say, “I love a particular turkey sandwich that I just made for myself. In fact, I love it so much that instead of eating it I’ll name it Steve and store it in my cabinet. Better yet, it can sleep in my bed with me.” Would you say that my love for Steve is justified? Perhaps I am taking away its essence, i.e. ignoring the reason I loved it in the first place. I love turkey sandwiches for how they taste, but now I’m sleeping in bed with one. It’s not very cozy to snuggle with, it smells funny, and worst of all, it seems to be getting uglier every day. That presents quite a Catch-22 because my choice to love Steve represents a turning away from the exact things I originally loved about that turkey sandwich.

I know these seem like silly examples that don’t have any relevance to human love, but to me they perfectly demonstrate your feelings for me: silly, ill-conceived, and completely misdirected. It’s a product of overwhelming feelings that you’ve never been able to shed because you’ve become attached to the idea so much more than the actual thing. If you really think this poorly of me, I’m probably not deserving of your love. If you want to love me, do so because you really do care for me, not because of any perceived reward and not because you think you’ll be able to change me and mold me into something that would work for you.

But as it is right now, your love is not love at all, it’s just a life-long guilt trip.


About this entry